#14 Funk Bands & Murder Mysteries? Yes, Chef

velvet pants, Fort Point Cider, and The Bear are my entire personality this week

Happy Wednesday (It’s Friday),

Standing in my apartment with hair removal cream strategically lathered before this week’s Everything Shower™, I’m listening to what NPR promised to only be an 18-minute segment on how to make friends as an adult. I set a timer for half that duration, so I don’t suffer chemical burns on my armpits. 

I’ll be honest, I thought this interview would be a self-explanatory, nothing-I-hadn’t-heard-before listicle of asinine suggestions doled out by people who still think you find new employment in the classifieds of a newspaper or people too young to know what the classifieds even are. (This is how I know I am a millennial; I’m planted firmly in the middle). I’ve realized it’s hard to find advice about relationship building that doesn’t feel insultingly patronizing or woefully naive, but honestly, I thought this article was great for all ages and for introverts and extroverts alike.

I remember when I moved to Denver in 2016, knowing not a soul beyond a few distant cousins several towns over, my dad suggested Meetups. Just get out there, and do what you want to do! You’ll meet your people. Being 22, however, I felt too awkward and young to join those groups of other friendless losers who wanted to practice conversational French or learn new crochet stitches. With a fairly demoralizing, high-stress, low-paying job working with AmeriCorps, I also lacked the energy and funds to head off to the slopes for a weekend (I don’t actually enjoy snow sports) or summit a fourteener at dawn (I despise hiking). Why couldn’t I be interested in what other young people liked—craft beer, smoking weed, going to sporting events? I imagined how sympathetic the Meetup people would be, how kindly they would probably treat this young wayward, not-then-yet-diagnosed-but-definitely-depressed girl desperate to connect but afraid to try. I couldn’t stomach it. So, I got a personal trainer and ate a lot of sweet potatoes and convinced myself that with enough Adderall and Orange Theory, I could figure out how to be happy.

I’m not saying that this article, had it been written seven years earlier, would have even changed much for me then. Self-help books, exercise, and NPR only get you so far when you are doing everything in your power to avoid admitting you have a mental illness, let alone actually getting help for it. But that’s where I was for a long time.

Sometimes I can convince myself that I made it up, that the term “depressed” is just a convenient way to explain that waaaaaah I was having a hard tiiiiiiiime. That it’s not based on any neuroscience. That it’s not that bad because it could be so much worse. But that’s the exact thinking that kept me unwell for so long, so I’ve tried to integrate depression into the rest of who I am. I am a lot of things, and I also happen to have a mental illness to manage, and that requires, as renowned Auror and victim of kidnapping and identity fraud, Alastor Moody says, “constant vigilance.” 

This newsletter is one of the things that has allowed me to stay vigilant. It would be dishonest for me to say that this newsletter started off as anything other than a way to chronicle the ways in which I was trying to take care of myself. In the beginning, it was only that. I figured, if I was going to send out a list of recommendations and things I enjoy doing, well then I actually had to do them. And with that framework, I was able to trick my brain a bit. I could send myself on an assignment. Suddenly, going to a concert or joining a book club was coverage for an Arts & Leisure beat instead of a desperate attempt to feel less lonely. What I’ve discovered is that, yeah okay maybe the framework was a ruse, and sure maybe it’s silly that I had to manufacture a His Girl Friday narrative to get me out of the house, but I’m not sure that matters as much as what has come from it: a sense of purpose and belonging.

I’ve realized that most of my best memories—the ones where I felt I was really alive and I really belonged— are from experiences I wasn’t actually that excited for. They came from nights I was certain I would have rather stayed on the couch, ordered takeout, told myself I’d try again tomorrow than even think about putting on Real Pants. I think we assume that people are going around excited and happy to be participating in community life, that they get off of work and spring to happy hour and are absolutely elated to be shaving their legs and picking out an outfit. And sure, maybe loads of people are. But for me, there is a heroic amount of effort and will that gets me up and doing things that bring me joy. There’s a certain amount of grumpy Do I really have to do this? I’m so tired. Can’t I just skip it? complaining that must be done and at least three people I have to call to convince me that I will probably actually have fun and remind me that I can always go home. And I don’t think that my need to go through this little curmudgeon-y routine means that the joy resulting from those concerts, book clubs, Giants games, or dance classes is any less legitimate. In fact, that joy might be all the more romantic because of just how much work it required to get there.

I recall a moment in 2018 when I thought I want to be making memories but felt immobilized because I also felt trapped in a time of my life I didn’t really want to remember. I craved permanent ink, so to speak, just not yet. Not about this. I wanted to be ready for something great, something healthy, something to dig in and hold onto, but I realize kept myself from both as I continued accepting small love. Not just from romantic partners, but from myself as well. 

This newsletter is Big Love. It’s full of so much joy, and it’s been the pleasure of my life sitting down to write it with all of you in mind for almost a year now. And yet, the magic of it, I believe, is that it remains, at its heart, mine. It is a way that I can give myself a life worth remembering, one that includes all of you and all of me, and I hope you find some ways to make yours memorable too. Maybe they’re in this newsletter, maybe they’re down the street. But they’re out there…I promise. 

XO,
M

🎧 Smoke Screen: Betrayal on the Bayou (Sony Music) ⭐️⭐️⭐️

What can I say, I am on a crooked cop binge! This one is still being released episodically (though you can binge it all if you pay for a subscription). For fans of The Set or Narcos, this series set in the swamps of the south is an interesting look at how the war on drugs was not just an East Coast, West Coast history, but a Gulf Coast one that of course impacted the entirety of the US.

This week was WILD when it comes to album releases: Taylor Ashton’s Stranger to the Feeling, Hozier’s Unreal, Unearth, and Victoria Canal’s WELL WELL were all released today, and I of course will need 3-7 business years to recover. Keep an eye out for my thoughts on these gifts from the universe in the next edition as well as in the I Have No Milk Podcast (back from its brief hiatus next week!)

🎵The Fell Swoop (funk band, San Francisco) ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Discovering The Fell Swoop was a complete accident. On the day after my birthday, feeling under the weather and not up for anything except maybe seeing Barbie, I was snuggled on my couch eating chocolate-covered blueberries when my phone rang. It was Amy, a pal from high school that I hadn’t spoken to in years. She was offering me free Paramore tickets for that night because “fuck Ticketmaster re-sell fees.” Who am I to pass up a free show? Flash forward 6 hours, and I am about to call a Lyft, when Kron4 News releases the headline “Concert at Chase Center Rescheduled.” (Prayers up for Hayley Williams’ lung infection). Not wanting to let our outfits go to waste, Dev and I searched for live music happening around town and decided on UK-based Mama’s Gun, a soulful 5 part band led by a Hawaiian shirt and fedora-wearing frontman who gave me big Angel Batista à la Dexter vibes. However, it was the SF-based funk/rock/soul opener that captured the hearts of Devon, Pareesa and myself. The Fell Swoop started out as all great relationships do: on Craigslist. We love an internet success story! They play pretty regularly around SF. Check them out :)

PS: At one point the lead singer introduced a song about poor mental health and had everyone yell out which antidepressants they were on. Before I knew what was happening, I was shouting “TRINTELLIX!!” much louder than necessary, to which the lead singer responded “Oh I haven’t heard of that one! Say it again?” Much quieter now, I mustered, “ahem. Trintellix. it’s…it’s new.” The crowd gave a round of applause for our collective psychological struggles as the drums began.

I’m not quite sure how the lead singer isn’t the most famous person in the world seeing as his voice and stage presence are meant for much bigger things than a barely alive Brick and Mortar Thursday night crowd. But I digress…

Honorable Mention: The only woman in the band? Yeah, I might be in love with her, I won’t lie. She can really play the tambourine and also that cool thunder tube thing I'll never learn the name of. She also has a shag haircut and high-top vans so, enough said on that, I reckon.

🎵I Won’t Let Me Down by Stolen Jars (alt/indie album, 2023) ⭐️⭐️⭐️

I discovered Stolen Jars today while perusing Under the Radar, an indie-music magazine based in Lexington, Va. I have a feeling Stolen Jars will be getting a lot of air time in my headphones in the coming weeks…

📰5 Easy Tips for Making Friends As An Adult by Janet W. Lee (article, 2023, NPR)⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Setting time aside for activities, communities or places you love can help you feel more at home. Do you go on a run every morning? Try running at the same park for a week. Or go back to that restaurant around the block at least once a month. Soon you might start noticing people in your neighborhood, who Bayard Jackson calls "familiar strangers."

The concept of “familiar strangers” was new to me, but as soon as I heard it, I recognized it as the thing that has brought me so much joy in the past two years as I’ve gotten to know my neighborhood. It was also the thing I missed about living in Brooklyn and the thing I was so afraid was inimitable. 

This LifeKit segment is mostly geared toward people who are moving to a new neighborhood, but works just as well for people who aren’t moving anytime soon yet may feel disconnected from their surroundings. Like I mentioned before, I thought this piece about making friends as an adult was going to be the dumbest thing I’ve ever read, but I’ve actually found myself coming back to it because of what a compelling case it makes for not just finding people to do things with, but giving yourself the greatest chance at feeling at home and cultivating deep connection with the people you encounter. 

In addition to this tip, Bayard Jackson (like my Dad) encourages interest groups, but ones that have a low barrier to entry and are recurring: book clubs where everyone reads the same book for example, gives conversation direction and also provides opportunities to loop back with people on a monthly-ish basis about fairly low stakes things. 

The last part I’ll mention (definitely read the article in its entirety — I promise I haven’t spoiled it all) is that she goes out of her way to explain that you do not have to be extroverted to make new friends:

"Introverts will go to a party and sit on the couch and talk to the same person for 45 minutes, but maybe leave feeling more connected than the extrovert who made it their mission to work the room," says Bayard Jackson.

At the end of the day, no matter how awkward and wobbly you feel, there are people out there who want to connect just as much as you do whenever you decide you are ready. You’ve just got to take the first step at trying something you think might bring you even the slightest bit of joy. 

🎧📚The Last to Vanish by Megan Miranda (thriller, mystery, audiobook 2022) ⭐️⭐️⭐️

Here’s the thing: this book gives you everything you’re wanting out of a Megan Miranda ride. It’s intriguing enough to keep going and cozy enough to keep close, but it’s not a masterpiece. I wouldn’t take time out of my day to read it, but as an audiobook for chores, commutes, or long walks (maybe not in the forest because it is about hikers who tend to disappear…) it’s perfect. When it comes to audiobooks, I tend to prioritize the cadence and voice of narration more than the plot, and I liked this narrator, so I was kept entertained. I saw every twist coming, but honestly vindication is sometimes just as sweet as surprise.

🎬 The Bear (FX, Hulu) ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I know I’m late to this party, but boy am I happy I came. The writing, directing, and acting are chef’s kiss. There are so many characters to fall in love with, and though I wanted to love every single one of them, I agree with the general backlash on Claire’s character. I grew up on the Chill, Cool / I Took Off My Glasses and Now I’m Pretty / I’m Not Like Other Girls/ Manic Pixie Dream/ Girl and though I love Molly Gordon (Booksmart, 2019), her character in The Bear feels no deeper than a foil for Carmy that his other, deeper relationships elicit much more authentically. Which, if Barbie taught us anything it’s that it’s Barbie’s dream house. Not Barbie and Ken’s dream house. And certainly not Ken’s dream house. Also, in anything I watch or read, I need to understand why someone is beloved. Why are these characters so taken with her? When that trust or love happens too quickly without the audience really getting to know the character in the same way we’ve gotten to know the others, it takes me out of the story and out of the world. I wish Claire’s character, if meant to actually be supremely perceptive and introspective, was given air time to allow the audience to really see that instead of having the other characters just fawn over her for *innately* being those things.

I’m annoyed that I’ve even spent this long talking about Claire because there are so many beautifully developed characters in this show to focus on, but I don’t want to spoil anything by going into detail about them. It’s a real ensemble production, but each character gets deep and thoughtful exploration in their own episodes or large segments of episodes in the second season that bring the show from an incredible first season, to a timeless TV series in the second season. (Yes, there is The Bear fanfiction, and yes I have read it, and no I will not be elaborating).

My favorite character is Marcus, but only because I cannot speak of Richie or Carmy or Sydney or Tina without crying, okay? His tender heart, calm demeanor, and insatiable curiosity make him a source of profound comfort in a show that is propelled by high stress and palpable dysfunction. Things are simple with Marcus: take your time, treat people with kindness, eat the donut.

I feel like I have so much to say about this show actually, so maybe I’ll write a longer essay on it in the coming days. Let’s end with one of my favorite quotes:

Neil: “How are you related to them again?”

Richie: “Through friendship.”

The Bear, Season 2 Episode 6

🧁 Banana Coffee ⭐️⭐️⭐️

If you are chronically online, you’ll realize I’m late to this trend. If you are the majority of people in my life you don’t really know what trends are, let alone that Banana Coffee was one of them this past Spring. You know how men use 2 in 1 shampoo-conditioner for most of their lives? This is that. It’s not a great cup of coffee, and it’s not a great smoothie, but it gets a job done if you’re in a hurry and need both at once.

It is exactly what it sounds like. It’s coffee topped with a blended combination of whatever milk you’ve pledged your allegiance to and a banana. Throw it in a blender and drink!

A new section of round-ups for accounts and snippets I’ve been loving recently

• Katie Lynne Sharbaugh: This person came across my For You Page, and I was immediately hooked. It was just a snippet then, but the full song is out now! We love a lady fiddle player!

• Women on the Street: My sister sent me a snippet from them and I went down a rabit hole of lady love! Women talking about their lives? I could listen forever.

  

  @womenonthestreetTziporah Salamon, 73, was born in Israel. She moved to Brooklyn when she was 9 years old and later attended Erasmus Hall High School —Barbra Streisand is also an alum. After studying to become a therapist and exploring working in fashion, Tziporah found her calling in the hospitality industry. She worked at the stylish Alberta Wright's Jezebel restaurant, where you could find celebrities like Yoko Ono and Stevie Wonder at one of the 17 tables. "The tips made my wardrobe possible," she says. "And I have an incredible wardrobe." Both of Tziporah's parents — Hungarian holocaust survivors — shared her sartorial flair. Her father was a tailor and her mother was a dressmaker. "My father survived the camps by sewing Nazi uniforms." During one of his labor camp assignments, Tziporah's father secretly sewed suits for the local mill operator's wife and daughter. The mill operator then hid her father and nine of his friends, protecting them from being transported to Auschwitz. This led to their survival. "It was amazing because if the miller was caught, he would have been killed." You can hear more from Tziporah by signing up to attend one of her Art of Dressing Masterclass sessions or buying her book, The Art of Dressing. Visit tziporahsalamon.com for more. Thank you, Tziporah ✨

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Exploration Live on Instagram: “When I watch Selling Sunset”

August 19, 2023

Ending Note & Acknowledgements:

As always, I love hearing what you’ve enjoyed about this newsletter and if anything resonated with you.

Thinking of all my SoCal loves as you prepare for an actual hurricane? I thought hurricane season was— yeah yeah I’m shutting up. #hurricanehilary

Shout out to my new little Hozier X Dante’s Inferno bookclub who has offered enthusiastic consent to journey through the nine (nine?) cirlces of hell with me before I see Forest Daddy live in October. Can’t wait for our discussion tomorrow!

Extra love to Devon, who upon the suggestion of wearing sandals with her dress replied, “Oh, I don’t like to expose my toes in the city.” Legend.

Shout out to the Wizard herself, Jennie, who has been a source of comfort and knowledge at my new part-time job!

My heart has been full this week with two amazing and very belated conversations with two of my dear friends and former roommates from Tufts: Ryan and Hayley who both have coincidently moved to Pennsylvania from Boston! Maybe you’ll run into each other? On second thought, please don’t. I’ll be far too jealous. (Neither of them read this newsletter).

Happy birthdays to: Lea, Morgan, Amanda, Katie, Hayley, Sina and anyone else who is celebrating. According to a quick google search:

“August is, overall, the most popular month for birthdays, which makes sense. A late August birthday means December conception. Cold weather, snow, romantic fires and holiday parties seems to create just the right equation for the beginning of human mating season.”

And with that image, I bid you adieu.

Peace and love, babies! Peace and Love!

XO,

M