#26 BOYS GET SAD TOO, but this newsletter is about me
scroll down for the Petey reference
Happy Wednesday (it’s somehow actually Wednesday?),
Today was a day in which the only steps I took were from the bedroom to the kitchen, the kitchen to the couch, the couch to the bathroom and back to the couch. And you know what? When your period stops and then comes back two days later like it never left, and your uterus feels like its committing violent crimes inside your abdomen, taking a total of 1,054 steps in 24 hours is probably alright. I fed my body chicken soup that I made from yesterday’s roast chicken, and I drank approximately four hundred seltzers while I tried to think about what to say today. Like my period, it’s heavier than usual.
CW: mental illness
In compiling The Listening Archive, I was able to see just how many of these newsletters I’ve written, and I felt a pretty overwhelming sense of pride. Not just for having written twenty-six longform newsletters in the past year and a half, but for letting myself live a life worth writing about when I’m not sat at my computer. Don’t get me wrong, I believe all lives are worth a jot. However, between 2016 and 2021, the only life I’d built was one I wanted to escape, not one I’d ever want to write about. As I look at my life currently through the lens of all my newsletters though, I’d be hard pressed to imagine a life more full of love and a sense of community than the one I have built over the course of my late twenties.
The reason this overwhelms me a bit is because I had never felt older or in more emotional, existential pain than I did in my early twenties. And if some genie were to tell me I could return to the hottest years of my life and live them all over again, I’d tell him I’d rather take the long nap, thanks so much. You couldn’t pay me. There actually is not a dollar amount that I would take to do those post-college years over again.
What My Early Twenties Looked Like:
I moved eight times in five years, I cried on too many lunch breaks to count, I went to a grad school I hated, got a job I despised, got into relationships with people who didn’t respect me, didn’t respect myself, smoked a lot of weed just to sleep, and felt like every move I made was wrong. I didn’t read much beyond students’ papers, though I remembered once having loved reading. I listened to podcasts that disturbed and upset me, but I had no desire to listen to music. When I had energy to grocery shop, I watched the groceries rot in the kitchen, forgetting that baking had once been a prominent part of my life. In my early twenties, my moods were so unreliable that I never felt confident committing to plans more than a few days in advance — I couldn’t trust that I’d have the desire or wherewithal to follow through. I had the pull to be creative but had no idea how to prioritize artistic expression, and the longer I ignored my creativity, the further desire of anything slipped away. I was drowning in the shallow end and had forgotten I could just… stand up. My therapist calls it the “cat in a box,” years because I felt trapped in every aspect of my life when in reality, I was pretty free to live as I pleased if I just poked my head out of the top.
That’s the thing though, I wasn’t living as I pleased, I was desperately trying to figure out what everyone else wanted me to do — what would make my family proud, what would make my partner happy, what would make my friends interested, what would make my boss impressed, what would make my students feel safe at school. All the while, I thought doing anything that made my own life better, easier, or more joyful was selfish and inherently wrong. I had thought I could control the way people perceived me if I could just figure out what they wanted and that their perception could change my own self-concept. If they liked me, if they were proud, maybe I could be too.
I have Major Depressive Disorder and ADHD, something I’ve spoken about here a few times, and the more I come to understand how they manifest for me, the more I committed I feel to managing them responsibly. For me, depressive swings rarely look like sadness. They are, instead, days or weeks of feeling disconnected from anything that brings me joy. I’m not overwhelmed with sorrow, but in fact very underwhelmed by everything. I have very little energy, little appetite, little motivation to do much of anything. And then there’s an amnesia that settles in when I actually cannot remember what joy or desire feel like. I know intellectually and rationally that I have experienced happiness and belonging before, but I feel so disconnected to that feeling and those memories that I can convince myself that this mental state is and will always be. I stop doing things I know bring me joy, and I stop pursuing new opportunities to find it. I lived this way for most of my early twenties.
When I don’t stay on top of my depression, I’ll get wrapped up in negative self-talk and shame about how I’m a lazy piece of garbage who isn’t a real adult and can’t do anything right. When I am managing my mental health well, my self-talk says that I might need to have different expectations for what I’m able to accomplish today because my brain isn’t able to focus or follow through as well and that’s okay. I do the things I know are good for me even if they don’t make me feel better. I do the things I know are good for me because they do not make me feel worse.
What My Life Looks Like Currently:
Building habits and finishing tasks are more difficult and require more effort from me than a lot of people in my life. This means I have to design more of my life to accommodate my brain: telling myself events start 20 minutes earlier than they do so that I won’t be late, putting my keys on a hook by my door and never locking it from the inside, stashing Z-bars in my cupboard so I can grab them quick when I’ve forgotten to eat for so long that my blood sugar dips low, putting an air tag on my TV remote, etc. I also take medication daily to help with my focus, and I go to therapy weekly. We manage bit by bit. Day by day. And that’s how I’ve gotten here. It wasn’t just one thing, and it wasn’t quick. Plot twist boomers: I didn’t and couldn’t have done it alone. My boots have no straps.
But I’ve got tools now, and I’ve got people who love me. And when I can’t see it myself, they remind me of my progress and resilience. They suggest things they know are healthy, they offer kind frameworks, they mitigate shame and show compassion, and I wouldn’t be able to recognize half of their efforts if I didn’t also do the same for myself.
But none of these changes from my early to late twenties would have been possible for me if I didn’t first admit that I needed help and then get the mental health support I needed from professionals.
What used to knock me off my game for days or weeks, now sets me back a few hours because I have slowly and consistently made incremental changes in my life that don’t always make me feel amazing right away (walking for 30 minutes, cooking a meal, saying “no,” going to therapy, taking a shower) but prevent me from feeling worse.
If you’ve got any neuro-spiciness, any DSM-5 recipe-a-brewin’ in your brain, any illness you live with that does not come with a schedule or a manual and if it reminds you at the worst times that you may need to make some accommodations for yourself because Today Will Be Hard, you are not alone and this feeling of being bested by something is not permanent. You are so capable of building a life you love, I promise. You have already come so far.
Follow your feet. It’s never too late to change your stars.
(Leo I am so sorry to put this scene here, but it’s necessary for the *feels*)
Speaking of changing your stars and starting over… I have some personal news!
I will be beginning a Masters of Library and Information Science program in the Fall and couldn’t be more thrilled to be looking ahead toward a life of community literacy and learning. One of my favorite parts of teaching English was cultivating a love of reading in my classroom with my students, and I am really excited to do this at the neighborhood level with people from so many different backgrounds and age groups.
With banning of books across the US, the wholesale destruction of schools in Gaza, the lack of funding / closing of school libraries in California, and the violence shown against students and faculty who stand against any of these reactionary movements, libraries remain places for people to come, learn, share, and receive support they do not receive anywhere else. And I am happy to be joining their ranks right here in The Bay.
The East Bay is such a special place to me because of how many people want to build community with one another, and it’s that feeling that keeps me here. It’s something friends notice and comment on when they visit, something they can feel. People here want to know one another, want to converse, want to connect. Whether you are at the gym or the grocery store or the park or the diner, there is a sense that you’ve got people around who want to do stuff with you. And I’ve completely fallen in love with that feeling of being a regular, of being recognized, of being spoken to, of being shared with, of seeing signs and posters and events that want to include people and make them feel safe. Libraries have the possibility to do the same. It feels like important and exciting work that blends so many different parts of my personality, interests, skills, and values, and I’m looking forward to updating this space with what I learn.
XO,
M
We are on a true-crime, investigative journalism, public radio program kick this week! And no, it’s not Serial Season 7 Million.
🎧 Beyond All Repair (WBUR)
This podcast did not go in the direction I was anticipating? I listened to it all in like 1.5 days, mostly while I was in various dressing rooms of various Targets and Old Navy’s trying to find something sexy and elegant to wear to the 73 weddings I have this year (I bought another pair of linen lounge pants obviously). I really liked Amory Sivertso’s reporting and was weirdly into the credits? She’s so cute she always says something like “eat a treat. take a walk. tell someone you love them. then tell them about this podcast. in that order” which is so lovely? She also wrote some of the music for the show, which is so impressive. It’s wild to me that people write music? Like how.
Anyways, the podcast is about a family torn apart by dysfunction but also a murder, and you truly do not know which sibling to believe including the sister who was convicted of the murder. There are so many twists and turns. Buckle up.
🎧 On Our Watch (KQED)
This recommendation came from Hilary, which means I listened to it immediately. I trust her recommendations for a lot of reasons: she cares about and is compelled by similar things as me, but she also has values I really admire. So, not only are her recommendations interesting, but there is also a deeper layer to them that usually involves the integrity of the journalist or the history of the setting etc.
I listened to the second season first, and I am happy I did. It’s a two-year investigation into police corruption at New Folsom prison and is excellently researched and produced. In an era where journalism feels like it’s dying, I found this podcast (though extremely depressing) to be an indicator that local news and ethical reporting isn’t dead: it’s just underfunded. And that, if we support local news media, high quality journalism will survive despite giant conglomerates trying to turn everything into retail advertisement and political propaganda.
content warning: police brutality, suicide, drug addition, murder, racism, sexual harassment
🎵 poppies close on cloudy days by me
Short and simple playlist this week. Enjoy!
🎵 Hind’s Hall by Macklemore (rap, protest song)
Israel is leading a ground invasion in Rafah and Palestinians who have survived massacre and famine in Gaza are now facing an approaching military regardless of ceasefire agreement1 while….you guessed it! People are watching the Met Gala.
Columbia, under investigation for anti-Palestinian discrimination2, has canceled commencement after destroying the student protestors’ Liberated Zone and arresting over 100 protestors3.
Faculty showing solidarity with their students and Palestinian liberation have been met with arrest and in some cases—Southern Illinois University4, Emory University5, and Dartmouth6 to name a few—horrifying police violence.
And thus was born…Macklemore’s newest song “HIND’S HALL7” which celebrates the student protest movement for divestiture from companies tied to Israeli business during the ongoing occupation and genocide in Palestine.
On streaming soon…
🎵 The River by Petey
I was taking a nap, and this song woke me up, and it had me smiling before I opened my eyes.
🎵Petey at August Hall ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
In a ball cap, t-shirt and flannel tossing back a single Miller Lite, Petey was everything I’d hoped he’d be this week. Unassuming and seemingly stoked to be there, Petey could have been confused for pretty much anyone in the audience of his show. The man in front of me wore a shirt that said “BOYS GET SAD TOO” nine times in a row on the back and once on the front and kissed his dude-friends on the cheeks while they all drank beer.
This is Petey’s music in a nutshell — it cracks with emotion— like a boy’s voice after twenty years of being told not to cry but also wanting to laugh a little. Sometimes it comes out whispery or screechy. Sometimes it’s a scream and sometimes a mumble, but it’s something after a long time of being inside&silent. Scraggly and soft, Petey’s albums are all of our journals, our ruminations, all the memories we think are too specific to possibly put to music, but he does. The lyrics feel like conversations you have with your friends when you’re really stoned, and you want to know do they remember that random Tuesday in someone’s parents’ minivan back in high school when that funny thing happened that was also pretty sad?
It was cool as hell to see so many chicks with mohawks and boys okay with crying making sure everyone around them had enough space to thrash around and dancescream to DON’T TELL THE BOYS. If you missed this show, don’t worry. He will be back in San Francisco in two weeks, not for a performance but to dog sit for his friends. Maybe you’ll see him around.
🎬 The Three Body Problem (Netflix) ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Oakland-based comedian, Jordan Thewlis, has a bit where he explains that if you’re in a relationship you have to decide early on if you are watching a show together or separately. “You gotta get it in writing or else lawyers can get involved,” he jokes. Reader, I have found myself —against all odds— in this position with The Three Body Problem. Do I regret beginning this show with Scallops Boy? No. I think it’s nice we have a show together. Do I wish I could watch it right now while I fold my laundry, and he is working? Yes, yes I do.
Also, he’s got an unfair advantage because he’s read the entire trilogy (nerd), so he isn’t on the edge of his seat feeling suspense but also scratching his head massively confused like me. In fact, he turns to me twice an episode and asks, “do you get it yet?” No, surprisingly I haven’t figured out the ways in which Chinese politics and astrophysics intersect to reveal the plot. Reader, I’d like answers. Are the aliens real? Are they coming? Will Auggie ever find herself in a remotely good mood? I guess I’ll have to wait until tomorrow to find out.
🎬 Baby Reindeer (Netflix) ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
You know when you are watching a show or reading a book and you think you know what kind of story it is, and then halfway through you think, “oh snap! this is a very different story”? Well, this is that. It’s a show about stalking. But it’s really about something much deeper than that. I watched the first episode alone and the rest with Leo and Pareesa, and I appreciated having people to watch it with and take breaks with and process. It’s a heavy one, knowing that the show is based on Richard Gadd’s real life. Adapted for television from a one-man show (just as Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s “Fleabag” was for Amazon) Richard Gadd actually plays the version of himself in the show, Donny.
I found myself asking, “would I feel frustrated with Donny if he were a woman?”
-Pareesa
Much to Pareesa’s point in our post-watch discussion, the series allows audiences to confront preconceived notions or potential prejudices they may carry when it comes to who is allowed to be a victim and what happens when that person doesn’t behave perfectly before, during, and after violence. It asks us to grapple with how shame factors into the frustratingly non-linear healing process and how we can possibly reconcile the liberating moments of one’s life that sometimes follow moments of extreme terror.
CW: sexual violence, harassment
*If you’ve watched the show already and are interested in the making of it, I recommend this video Pareesa sent me afterwards.
📚 DROP EVERYTHING AND READ April Reading Log by Meg Zukin
📚 Everything about The Three Body Problem by Cixin Liu except the actual books:
I have *not* read this series, so I don’t know anything about it other than:
this is one of the first and major Chinese science-fiction books to have a wide audience in the west (NYTimes)
the billionaire who bought the rights to turn it into a movie was poisoned by a colleague (NYTimes)
there has been criticism that Hollywood has westernized way too many aspects of the story (NYTimes)
🧁 Thai Basil Pork (With a Fried Egg!) by J. Kenji López-Alt ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Scallops Boy is obsessed with this dude and owns every cookbook he’s written (apart from “Every Night Is Pizza Night” which is for “children”). Reader, when he showed up at my house with a wok and enough basil to feed a small neighborhood, I didn’t complain. This recipe is delicious.
Interested in the science and techniques behind delicious food?
The I Have No Milk Book Club is reading Mrs. S by K. Patrick in May. Subscribe to our newsletter for weekly discussion questions and chit-chat!
Free Palestine Camp at UC Berkeley
If you are in the East Bay and want to donate to student protestors calling for divestment of university funds from Israel, click the button to see what resources they are needing (live, updated routinely).
Erin Hattamer’s Linktree of GoFundMes for Families in Gaza
Erin is using their platform of over 1 million to shed light on the genocide in Gaza and raise money for families trying to escape Rafah. She is also calling in bigger creators to donate and do the same.
A writer and activist that is part of the Palestinian diaspora who has been making content every single day of the genocide to raise awareness of media bias and raise funds for Palestinian families trying to escape invasion
Shout outs to:
Lea: I hope you feel better! I am so sorry you were too sick for Pizza Monday, but I cannot wait to see you when you’re feeling better. Maybe for our next Bun Bun photo shoot, we can do a single-mom-frustrated-with-the-american-health-care-system-Bun Bun.
Leo for coming all the way from DC to teach Pareesa and I how to play j’attaque!
Pareesa for making me an adorable, beaded chain for my glasses
Lana: I saw a video the other day that explained that if you are struggling to pour liquid into a different container and it keeps spilling down the side of the vessel you are trying to pour it from, you are supposed to put a straw or something straight in the other vessel and pour the liquid directly onto that straw so that the liquid being poured has something to adhere to — a straight path that guides the liquid from one vessel to another. You are my straw. I am the liquid. I’d be a fuckin’ mess without you.
Sina for absolutely rocking that cane.
The Siriusly Dead Poet’s Society chitchat this morning where we all wore ribbons in our hair and talked about ossicones and Wingspan. Love you.
La Noisette: I don’t fully understand this bakery, it sort of seems like the Mary Poppins carpet bag of bakeries because it is so tiny? I’m not entirely convinced it is real. But they have amazingly delicious treats.
The Hipline community and all the dance instructors at the studio. It’s just such a special place that makes me love moving.
Zachary (Scallops Boy) for letting me organize his pantry while he was on a business trip. There are very few things I love more than organizing other people’s stuff, and it THRILLS me that you don’t begrudgingly allow, but actively encourage this hobby of mine that greatly impacts your day-to-day life. Also, I still cannot believe you made fifty-five balls of pizza dough for your birthday. Wild. Happy 30th!
Gem who helped me with cake recipes for said birthday party ^^
All the folks who responded to my help request for wedding guest dresses for people with bigger chests! I’ve never had so many people respond to an Instagram story and actually reconnected with a few friends from college. Slay.
The cherry trees in bloom in my dad’s yard…absolutely showing off for spring
Everyone who has joined the I Have No Milk book club! (Mrs. S is….welp)
Jonny & Zach for being my Petey pals
Lauren for taking such amazing steps into spring with her hot girl walks! I see you!
Tessa for commissioning me an adorable charm bracelet for Pareesa’s birthday
Pareesa for managing to take only ONE sweater-vest to Italy — I’m so proud.
Hilary for being ALMOST DONE with the school year
Devon — words cannot express how excited I am to see you at Friends and Family tonight. <3
Ending Note:
Turn to your poets. Lean on one another. Be safe and love hard. <3
XO,
M
Columbia student protestors re-named Hamilton Hall Hind’s Hall to honor the Palestinian six-year-old who called paramedics for help after an Israeli tank attacked the vehicle that she and her family were evacuating in. After being guaranteed safe passage, the Palestinian Red Crescent Society sent an ambulance to rescue Hind from the vehicle. Twelve days later, that ambulance was found next to Hind’s vehicle, decimated by an Israeli missile. The paramedics, Hind, and every member of her family in the car were all found dead.
Your landlord has such good music taste (this playlist has actually no business being this good). Loved this roundup 💜