#27 Spring was for rage. Summer is for floating.

turns out we can rage against the war machines and touch grass at the same time.

Aug 01, 2024

Happy Wednesday to all who celebrate,

I’m sitting at Scallops Boy’s kitchen table while he’s at work, you know, working, and though some might compare my afternoon to that of a housewife, it is with absolute clarity that I concede I’m really more of a Bevers than a June Cleaver. Reader, I do not live here. And yet, I rarely find myself compelled to leave. There is a huge bathtub. There is a very comfy reading chair in a secluded office. There are so many snacks. God, I need to re-watch Broad City.

Bevers, Abbi's roommate Melody's boyfriend who never leaves the apartment despite Melody never being home.

Disclaimer: this newsletter is more of a rant about and less of a solutions-based-approach to how I’ve been feeling about the internet lately. If you don’t want my stress to stress you out, I’d skip to the recipes. There is a lovely Chocolate Cake down there.

(Because this newsletter is saur long, please don’t forget to click [Message Clipped] view entire message at the bottom, or you will miss nearly all of this week’s recommendations!) You can also read in browser or in the app.

Also, if you are anything like my aunt and find yourself concerned about my emotional / mental / physical state after reading some of these newsletters, please know that most of the time you are reading a three-weeks-to-three-months-old introduction, and I am currently so fine.

A lot of what follows would have been a banger to release in early May, but I had basically the bubonic plague for six weeks so I haven’t been super on top of it. Then I Ieft the country to turn thirty (like a dog that retreats to the dark corner of the closet to die without the humiliating gaze of human onlookers) and now in my jet-lagged and middle-aged state I’ve sat to polish up a newsletter I penned four dog-years ago. I refer to a few articles that came out in April, and I don’t disagree with anything I’ve said, I’m just less enraged about it all since I put down my phone and went outside this summer. But if you find yourself in a super-online-super-agitated place personally and politically, maybe you’ll relate to my Spring Rage.

My therapist, has told me for years that I “get stuck in the thinking and feeling” part and exhaust myself before the “doing” part of life. So, this newsletter is dedicated to the “do-ers” in my life that encourage me to get up and get out, the ones that remind me that there is so much juice in these days that are worth the squeeze if only I would use my arms. What follows is a tirade on Spotify which leads to a heinously whiny manifesto AKA nervous breakdown about digital subscriptions, junk mail, notifications, and targeted advertising. (Apologies in advance). TLDR; read this article by Alex Sujong Laughlin and go outside and play.

Spotify: You are but the lovechild of a BuzzFeed, Facebook, iTunes polycule, and you’re beginning to scare me

Though I usually link podcasts in this newsletter via Spotify, I have been feeling a bit icky about it as of late after reading the discourse about (and experiencing the feeling of) the “Tiktok-ification of Spotify” (which, a cursory Google search1 will bring you countless articles written in the past year that offer explanations and opinions about Spotify’s new(ish) design, the objectives behind it, and its implications in the audio landscape Spotify seems intent on dominating).

I first started streaming music on Spotify when I was in college (2012-2016, go Jumbos) out of a frustration with iTunes more than anything else. I needed a cheap way to listen to music on a platform that I could easily navigate, and Spotify’s huge push to massively discount premium memberships for college students2 (and then bundle with Hulu for university kids without cable) seemed to fix that need. It didn’t take long before friends were sharing study playlists via Spotify links, and the app appeared on my phone where it remains today. Though, for now, I have decided to keep the application, I am beginning to rethink how exactly I engage with it.

I subscribe to

Max Read

’s newsletter which describes itself as “an idiosyncratic and sometimes funny guide to new and forward-looking ideas, trends, and networks in tech, politics, culture, and media.“ In a May 5th edition, Max discouraged the use of Spotify for consuming podcasts, referencing Alex Sujong Laughlin’s article “If You Love Podcasts, Dump Spotify” published on Defector last month. (If you don’t read Defector, what are you even doing? I ask, knowing full well I discovered it only 3 months ago). Sujong Laughlin connected the threads of big tech, journalism, and entertainment that have been loose in my head for the past fifteen years.

“Private tech companies have been interfering in media for several decades now and we have seen this play out with devastating effects in the world of journalism. All of this has made me incredibly wary of Spotify’s entry into the podcasting space, because I saw it replicating what Facebook and Twitter had done in digital media just a few years prior.” - Alex Sujong Laughlin

If you are old, like me, you remember iTunes and the hours we spent downloading singles and albums (legally or illegally), making and uploading album art, creating playlists, and burning the best ones onto CDs in the very real chance that someone’s AUX cord wouldn’t work at the exact moment that the whole car needed to hear the sweet rhythms of Owl City’s “Fireflies.” The introduction of iTunes 11 in 2012 pretty much changed everything about how we consumed music with its reorganization of both desktop and mobile interfaces and its relentless allegiance to the newly introduced “cloud.” If you ask me now, I still would not be able to explain to you why some of my songs are duplicated, grayed out, in the incorrect order or completely missing album art. The transition was anything but smooth or complete.

As a Millennial Sun, Lost Generation Moon3, Gen-Z rising, the dissolution of iTunes and the subsequent rocky transition to Apple Music was the first time I felt behind-the-times in the rapidly changing world of technology. I was on the brink of my twenties and frustrated that the way I listened to music couldn’t just stay the same, but I also didn’t want to be kept out of the loop of the cool, new trend everyone seemed to be a part of: Spotify.

Since then, Spotify has dominated the music streaming and sharing world with a platform that initially seemed to combine the best parts of every other music application, allowing consumers to: listen offline with downloaded tracks (à la iTunes), dissect lyrics (à la Music Genius), find similar music through the built-in algorithm (à la Pandora), discover upcoming concerts in their area (à la Bandsintown), and follow artists and other consumers with the creation of profiles and collaborative playlists.

Unlike a lot of purists (I’m looking at you, Denise Lu), I actually don’t mind Spotify as a music streaming platform. I don’t think you need to listen to music on vinyl or own your own copies in order to enjoy or connect with music authentically (whatever that means). In fact, I have found Spotify’s algorithm to be fairly accurate in predicting what music I will like, and I enjoy making Jams, Blends, and unique playlists with my friends. For as many people who miss going to a record store and speaking to the sellers about their suggestions, I’m sure there are just as many who felt intimidated by the airs of pretension in those same stores and are happy to be able to use technology to make those same introductions without fear or social shame. I’ve used Spotify’s tools to discover artists I would have otherwise taken years to find and to learn about local shows I’ve really enjoyed, and to me, that is worth its subscription price.

However, as the audio platform moves in the direction of big tech companies dominated by algorithmic design predicated upon user-data mining for targeting advertising, I am becoming a bit more wary about its relationship to podcasts. Sujong Laughlin (the 🐐) writes:

As social media apps switched off chronological newsfeeds in favor of algorithmic models, podcasts became one of the few ways creators could talk to their audiences directly, unmediated by algorithms. Spotify, and its desire for a walled garden of audio it controls, obviously has changed that. My anxiety about Spotify’s increasing dominance isn’t just based on its market position, but how the company sits when compared with ancient internet history. I’m talking about RSS.

I really recommend reading her article in full, as she (with four months of research on this blog post) explains what Really Simple Syndication actually is, how its technology was designed to be open and unable to be controlled by any one company, and how Spotify’s control of the entire lifecycle of a podcast circumvents RSS and allows for increased data mining and ad sales (Laughlin 2024)4. It’s fascinating.

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With nearly unbridled access to user listening data5, Spotify has created an almost Hallmark-level international holiday with Spotify Wrapped: the one day a year where every Spotify user can see their listening history broken down into highly colorful, easily shareable data visualizations that describe what kind of music lover they are. Nils Aoun, Chloé Currie, Ava Harrington, and Cella Wardrop from Encode Justice Canada note that though Spotify has won accolades for its marketing and design, this feature (as well as the personalized Discover Weekly and Daylist recommendations) would not be possible without constant data collection and user-surveillance. Though many consumers enthusiastically consent to this sharing of data, other users are beginning to refer to these wide permissions as “emotional surveillance” due to how connected music is to one’s mood.

🎵Spotify knows when you are sleeping, it knows when you’re awake, it knows if you’ve been bad or good so beware for goodness sake🎵

On a recent river trip with some friends, nearly everyone bemoaned Spotify’s all-out assault on the listening public with its relentless suggestions of Sabrina Carpenter. Unless users went through a Mordor length quest of permission disabling toggles and/or blocked the artist, all of our playlists would eventually play a Sabrina Carpenter song regardless of our painstaking curation. But what if I don’t want to listen to Espresso?

Subscriptions, Data Mining, and Advertisements — Oh My!

I am reminded of the era of Facebook and Buzzfeed personality quizzes and how we, eager adolescents desperate to fit in, would apparently answer any multiple choice question about our preferences if it allowed us to quickly post what kind of donut we would be based on our college course load or what kind of car we should drive based on what Disney movies we watched as a kid.

(Because the internet and the technology it employs changes so quickly, trying to even look up these quizzes, usually heavily reliant on GIF or JPEG images, looks mostly like this now…but The North remembers…)

Enter the Cambridge Analytica scandal and how we learned that many of those personality quizzes disseminated on Facebook were created with the purpose of collecting user data and using it to push targeted content6 — political or otherwise— to specific users during incredibly influential election years. Ahem. Though this was Big News™ at the time, near-constant surveillance, unmitigated data collection, and relentless targeted-advertising now seem like something we just shrug off as the normal and necessary cost to participating in life online.

The constant barrage of advertisement and coerced consent to data tracking in exchange for online social connection or access to quality journalism saddens me beyond measure. I miss walking outside and grabbing a newspaper — paying for just one at a time in cash— and not having to give away all of my personal information to sign up for a sneakily auto-renewed digital subscription service.7 This practice is so common that states are creating and more aggressively enforcing laws that protect consumers from these automatic billings that come without necessary warnings (and when the warnings do come…they are virtually impossible to see in the stack of promotional email we receive hourly).

When I’m not being auto-subscribed, I am on websites that include highly targeted advertisements about weight-loss and skin-creams because I am a woman of a certain age who bought sunscreen and a size Large swimsuit at Target last week. As a woman who grew up in the heroin-chic aughts, I saw the low-rise jeans at Hollister, and one-size-fits-none at Brandy Melville, and the fat-phobia on daytime television, and the body-shaming on magazine stands at the grocery store. But for all of our progress since then with expansive sizing and diverse representation in advertising, I am still sitting on my couch in 2024 with sponsored videos and advertisements about trending cosmetic surgeries and aesthetic medicine because companies profit off of insecurities they create for us.

Maybe I need to just scroll faster or not let curiosity about celebrity news get the nest of me, but just existing online as a woman feels increasingly like participation in abject insanity. And for all the social-media detoxes people do or the tech-breaks people advocate for, I also feel that if I disengage from online life, I risk also opting out important information shared by journalists, photographers, writers, musicians, and artists that are doing incredible work in their industries independent of organizations that are often bought and paid for by the interests of the elite. I miss out on the indie-band updates and all news coverage the New York Times doesn’t see fit to print via reporters on the ground.

And I just refuse to accept the business-minded cynicism of “this is just how the world works” or “nothing in life is free.” I think that, with anything, we have the ability and opportunity to be intentional with how we engage with media. We can choose which brands, businesses, and artists to support by being diligent about who we give our information to. I recognize I may sound like a hypocrite because I am the absolute worst at internet privacy and security settings (probably like many of us) because it takes a lot of time and effort and energy to be diligent and thoughtful. I will be the first to tell you, I participate in social media irresponsibly or at the very least, not as healthily as anyone would recommend. I often scroll while sedentary with my neck cricked fully aware of the fact that I can, and in fact desperately want to be, doing something else: reading, walking, listening to a podcast, cooking, making art, writing, or watching a movie. I do this aware-that-its-bad-for-me-but-can’t-stop-doom-scroll so often that I’ve actually developed a small hump at the back of my neck from looking down so much. I hate that my vanity is what ultimately lit the fire under me to recalibrate how I engage with my phone, but alas, here we are.

So how do we use the Black Mirror with intention in the age of the attention economy where every source of information seems to also be specifically designed to keep you engaged long enough to buy a product or support a politician? I sit there consuming more rage bait, more product placements, more escapist comedy, until I pass out past my bedtime with a cramp in my hand, scared by brutal images of war, famine, and disease and thirty-five things in seven virtual shopping carts. As if they will help me.

Shame Closets and Unread Emails: How can we keep up and also, do we have to?

During one of these entranced episodes, I came across a video that posed the question “is there a word for being so anxious that you haven’t responded to all of your notifications that you can’t respond to any of your notifications?” and a man responded with “the way we are expected to live right now is insane.” I agree and it reminded me of Ezra Klein’s opinion piece in the New York Times last month called “Happy 20th Anniversary, Gmail. I’m Sorry I’m Leaving You.” where he opened with a link between digital clutter and shame:

“There is no end of theories for why the internet feels so crummy these days. The New Yorker blames the shift to algorithmic feeds. Wired blames a cycle in which companies cease serving their users and begin monetizing them. The M.I.T. Technology Review blames ad-based business models. The Verge blames search engines. I agree with all these arguments. But here’s another: Our digital lives have become one shame closet after another.”

He goes on to define a shame closet as “that spot in your home where you cram the stuff that has nowhere else to go,” that doesn’t necessarily have to be a closet but is an area that is disorganized, cumulative, and hard-to-look-at. As someone who has a fair number of these in my physical home, I am intimately familiar with the low-grade stress that is always simmering on the back burner because of these shame closets even if the rest of my house is clean. I know what I’m avoiding, and I dread the day where I have to finally deal with it because I know full well, it will return as stubbornly and perennially as the artichoke in my friend Hilary’s backyard.

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My friend Pareesa organizes her digital notifications not unlike correspondence at her very fancy tax firm. She is meticulous, methodical, and measured. She groups, filters, tags, prioritizes, and sets aside time to take note of each one whether it is a video on home decorating, a seven-minute voice note about a new Fransy WIP, a shared grocery list with her husband, or text about a friend’s day at work. This is one of the many ways I wish we were similar, but I have never been a __________ as you go person. I don’t clean as I cook. I don’t track my spending as it happens. I don’t hydrate consistently throughout the day. (These are all things I have had to get better at with practice, but reader they do not come easily to me). And so, alas, things pile up.

With so many things to keep track of between professional and personal life (deadlines, bills, errands, etc.) attending to astronomical numbers of inane notifications from everything ranging from a very important tracking update from the passport office to the promotional email from the hair salon I visited one time in Somerville, Massachusetts in 2013, seems absolutely impossible. And with nearly every single service moving toward a subscription base, nearly every website you ever visit or every item you ever purchase seems to come with a lifetime string of promotional emails. “But Montana, just unsubscribe!” I AM WORKING ON IT! But right now, I am frustrated and resentful and, well, ashamed of this closet I have allowed to follow me since I was a child.

Google will never provide us with a feature that lets us make mass un-subscription or email clean up easier because they have a vested interest in our personal information being in the pockets of as many businesses as possible and, well, if we run out of storage of all of these promotional emails and newsletters, you know we can always pay Google more money to house more of our data for us at a super affordable price of something ninety-nine per month. (Monthly receipts via email to surely follow). I swear to God, I unsubscribed from an e-list just this morning and immediately got another email confirming my canceled subscription. LEAVE ME ALONE!

Sorting, cataloging, setting up filters, and attending to this digital inbox daily requires time that frankly, I’d rather be spending on my one wild and precious life. And I don’t feel guilty about letting the promotional junk-mail pile up, but notifications from people I know are a different story entirely.

As an inattentive ADHDer, I have heard “why couldn’t you respond to my text, it only takes a second” more times than I can commit to memory, and it frustrates me for a few reasons. The first reason is that it’s not true. Responding to a text message, DM, or email doesn’t just take a second, especially if you are a person who puts thought and intention into what you say and understands that texting etiquette in 2024 requires more than a “yes,” “no,” or emoji reply if you want to be polite. Additionally, if replying to a message “only takes a second” my attorney friends wouldn’t be able to invoice billable hours for their responses to client questions via this same medium. Secondly, reading someone’s words and responding to them thoughtfully in an era where everyone from your great-aunt to your plumber to your boss is appearing in your iMessage inbox simultaneously takes time, and I believe that you alone should dictate how you spend your personal time.

I do not believe that just because someone decided to share their words or thoughts with you in a particular moment that was convenient for them, that you then need to stop whatever you were doing to acknowledge receipt and respond to their words in the very same minute. It may not be a good time for you, and you get to decide when a good time for you would be. Operating as if everyone’s correspondence needs to be attended to urgently has previously led me to feelings of increased anxiety and low-self worth as well as decreased feelings of agency and imagination. By denying myself continuity of activity or thought before attending to the needs of others, I was left with only crumbs for myself that had once had the potential to be a nourishing pie had I not allowed it to be sliced up quite so many times. By allowing other people’s non-urgent preferences and needs to interrupt my own work, rest, or creative time I was proving to myself almost daily that the desires of other people were more important than my own.

Furthermore, not every text message exchange with a friend, colleague, family or community member ends with just your reply, for once you respond there is usually another response and before long you are in a conversation seemingly unconstrained by the limits of time and space. In fact, for most of my closest friends, there is no designated beginning or end of a conversation, and unless we haven’t spoken for a long period of time, salutations are not even a part of our dialogue. In past eras of letters, emails, and phone conversations, hellos and goodbyes clearly demarcated where conversations started and finished and at the communication’s end, you could get up from where you were sat, put down the feather quill or hang up the landline telephone, and walk away. Not so much the case anymore, for we carry the phone and with it the conversation, in our pocket throughout our day. And we do this with absolutely every person who has our phone number, for they could, at any moment, begin the type of instant chat that has no formal closure without so much as a flicker of an invitation from us.

It is exceedingly rare that I intentionally ignore messages. If I know a message isn’t urgent, I’ll allow myself to complete whatever I am in the middle of and tend to it usually by the end of the day. There are of course times when I forget, but the relationships I relish the most are the ones that understand and have grace for me not attending urgently to non-urgent messages, the ones that allow me the grace of getting distracted and following up without assumption that I’m purposefully ignoring them. We’ve got a lot of things demanding our attention in a day, and I think it’s okay to take a breath before responding to every one.

When was the last time you had a stream of consciousness uninterrupted by digital conversations, notifications, and tech-generated reminders of people’s past?

Anyone who has tried to get over a romantic relationship from 2004 to 2024 knows the emotional carnage that comes with not only being accessible via phone number, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Tiktok, (I’ve had exes harass me on LINKEDIN of all places) but also the unfortunate reality that all of these platforms have saved your history and analyzed your patterns of interaction and will thus suggest that the person you are trying to distance yourself from is also the first result in every search bar or contact field you attempt to type into. Apple’s “recent contacts” feature encouraged me, for example, to text my ex every time I typed the letter “S” despite the number being blocked and renamed to “DO NOT ANSWER.” Autofill encouraged me to ship my packages to their addresses because they always used my amazon account. It also did this for deleted contacts, making it nearly impossible not to have thoughts of this person interrupt my daily life.

Perhaps even more disturbing is reflecting on how often I think of certain people that I otherwise would have entirely forgotten, had their name not started with similar letters as my most frequently searched-for applications on my phone. Old roommates I never formed actual friendships with, one-night-stands I never wish to see again, former co-workers that always sort-of-freaked me out will pop up on my phone because the first part of their name is similar to the ParkMobile, Wallet, or Discord app. Can I delete these contacts? Yes. But that’s a shame-closet for a different day.

Instant communication has made closure, whether of a single conversation or an entire relationship, feel far more torturous and drawn-out that it needs to and has made fluid, uninterrupted thought nearly impossible to experience. Resting feels like a pipe dream when it seems that we’ve given permission to everyone we’ve ever briefly met to have unmitigated and perpetual access to us.

In an age where companies can send out mass-emails to a seemingly unlimited number of recipients, where corporations can send promotional materials that aren’t even addressed to your correct name half the time in the form of junk-mail directly to your mailbox, and where people that you’ve never even met or don’t care to speak to ever again can send messages to you as long as you have a working phone number, the onus resides on you to take time to discern whether to accept or reject the attention from every single person or organization who demands it. Just think about that for a second. If every message from a company or a person was said out-loud to you on the street while you were walking, you wouldn’t even have the time to say “no thank you, I’m busy right now” to all of them. And anyone watching this situation would think to themselves, “For the love of God why can’t all these people leave that poor woman alone!”

But what about the children?

Unfortunately, it’s not just adults that have to negotiate and discern where to put their attention in a world that seems to demand it of us at all hours and in all directions: any child with a cell phone or access to the internet is trying to establish these same boundaries with a developing brain. All my educator-friends know that cell phones are a huge distractor to children’s learning (which makes the need for high-quality, engaging instruction all the more necessary), and some of my non-teacher friends may remember this viral experiment a teacher did in her class where she had her students turn their notifications on and have their ringers on loud, and she recorded each notification her class experienced. In this exercise, which she performed February 12, 2020 (three days before school closures in California), “students in her classes received 506 texts, 198 Snapchat notifications, 28 Instagram notifications, 9 Facebook notifications, seven tweets and four notifications about news events.”

Imagine each one of those notifications disrupting a child’s concentration. Nowadays, teachers are realizing that many of these text messages come from the students’ own parents “whose stream-of-consciousness questions add to a climate of constant interruption and distraction from learning. Even when schools regulate or ban cellphones, it’s hard for teachers to enforce it. And the constant buzzes on watches and phones are occupying critical brain space regardless of whether kids are sneaking a peek.”

And for any of you who think I’m whining about an issue that I, myself, created when I signed up for access to certain articles or purchased certain products, and one that I also have the ability to fix, I agree with you. And yes, I am working on unsubscribing and blocking and changing notification settings for decades worth of one-time purchases, but my point is that we shouldn’t have to give services our contact information to participate in the economy or social life. Those were not normal entry fees for the markets and relationships of generations passed, and at the risk of sounding dare I say conservative, I mourn the simplicity of certain aspects of daily life before BigTech found new and interesting ways to tell me almost hourly that I need to lose more weight and buy more stuff.

Harassment level advertising shouldn’t be the price we pay to exist in a world that has adapted around the internet. It’s absolutely bananas. We live in a time where the purchase of a face wash can find you at your computer the next day face-to-face with a new email that asks “Are You Embarrassed of Your Fine Lines, Acne and Hyperpigmentation?” and encourages you to buy a product similar to one you already own but with much more shame and urgency. It’s just unnecessary is all I’m saying, and though we can all fix our shame-closet inboxes individually, I don’t really think we shouldn’t have to.

Okay, Miller. Let’s end this on a positive note

I wrote all of the above in May/June when I was 29 and now in July, from my perch of wisdom on the other side of 30, I think maybe the answer is: touch grass — like, as much grass as possible. I have spent more time outside and less time on my phone in the past month than I have in years simply because I was traveling, and it’s made me want to continue to stave off the internet and welcome in the outdoors even after I’ve returned to my city life. I think my digital anxieties and pressures and annoyances are really only as strong as the amount of time I spend online, and I think the lockdowns of COVID-19 really skyrocketed the bar for how much time online is normal. When restrictions ended, I don’t think the time I spend on the internet ever really went back down its normal levels.

I know this sounds dumb and simple, but the more books I read and the more time I spend outside or doing stuff with friends, the less I think about my junk mailbox or my unread texts. And what digital junk piles up while I’m off floating down a river or reading about cetacea at the Natural History Museum is really none of my business. The notifications aren’t going anywhere, but I can. And that is the life I choose — a bit slower to respond, a bit less available, a bit less bored and exhausted and desperate for dopamine because I’m simply…away. Doing stuff I like. There probably won’t even be a picture. If I can turn 30 without any photographic evidence, I can certainly eat raviolis and go to the beach.

Alright, onto the good stuff.

XO,
M

🎧 Pretendians (Canadaland)

I cannot say enough positive things about Canadaland, an indie news and podcast production company out of, you guessed it, Canada. I first caught wind of it by listening to Pretendians, a podcast hosted by Robert Jago and Angel Ellis about people who fool the public into thinking they are Indigenous to North America for all sorts of reasons. The first few seasons are actually an investigative series about a community called Thunder Bay and the issues Indigenous folks face there up against descendants of settlers and their prejudices as well as anti-Indigenous governmental policy. The current season looks at people who have lied about their identity and the (very few) social consequences they experience as a result.

🎧 Normal Gossip (Defector, comedy)

Normal Gossip is exactly what it sounds like. Hosted by Kelsey McKinney and produced by the same Alex Sujong Laughlin as was spotlit in my intro rant and SHOCKER will be in my Reading Round-Up, episodes consist of guests sharing gossip about regular, degular people and the shenanigans they create, witness, and endure. If you get impatient and want hosts to just get to the juice already, this podcast might infuriate you. However, if you love an interactive goss, a leisurely stroll through oh my gods and no, she didn’ts, then you’ll probably love this one.

🎧 Burden of Guilt (true crime, court-room)

Hosted by Nancy Glass, Burden of Guilt is a true-crime podcast about a woman named Tracyraquel who, after learning that medical records showed her as the person responsible for her brother’s death when she was just two years-old, goes on a quest for justice to expose the real killer.

🎧 A Very British Cult (cults, investigative)

Scallops Boy sent me this one, and though I departed my Cult Era back in 2022, I can always be enticed to revisit — especially if it’s international8. To be honest, I don’t remember much about this podcast other than I was listening to it when I found a gorgeous Joslin mini dress, which normally retails for $780, on a clearance rack at a thrift store in Rockridge for $32. But I’m pretty sure this podcast was the classic life-coach / reasonably priced personal success courses to abusive, high-control group pipeline. It was interesting to hear how people escaped and recovered from the coercive control.

🎵 Cowgirl Summer (Devon)

As the Patron Saint of Thirty, Devon has dubbed this summer Cowgirl Summer. However, because this is Devon we’re talking about, Cowgirl Summer encapsulates more than just a love of boots and twang; it is also an ode to the weenie and an homage to tennis: the greatest sport ever learned in adulthood. Cheers to Devon — may this summer be ever in your favor.

🎵Covers (Pareesa)

Am I outsourcing all my playlist duties to friends? Maybe. But this one is an absolute classic, not unlike Pareesa’s Youtube playlist of covers, which has a bit more breadth because literally any recording can be on YouTube, basically.

Because this newsletter is so delayed, these shows feel like thirty-five years ago, but I want to share my enjoyment of them nonetheless

🎵 Waxahatchee (The Fox Theater)

Happy 30th to Lydia who spent her solar return grooving to Waxahatchee with her Mystic quartet (IYKYK) in Oakland, California. Though I loved the show, I’m really excited to see Waxahatchee outside. They are such good time summer vibes that I sort of wish there was sun and hay and like, a river involved. UK & Ireland heads — some tickets are still available for next week’s shows — the rest of the US except California…grab ‘em while you can! (Shout out to the dude at Third Man Records in London who used my Waxahatchee hat to talk to me about tiny show they did in Nashville and the limited vinyl they have of it downstairs).

Tickets

🎵 Dead Forever (The Sphere, Las Vegas NV)

The Sphere was cool to see, but I felt like I had stepped into Huxley’s Brave New World. It’s a marvel of video production to be sure, but if you want to know what it’s like for a Dead Head, I’d recommend reading Reckoning With The Dead at The Sphere by Nick Paumgarten, which came out in The New Yorker a few days ago. I think his views were probably similar to my dad’s. I don’t want to spoil the visuals for anyone, so I’ll keep it vague, but a few of them were really special to see alongside my dad who had more personal connection and history to them.

If you’re curious about the setlist, give this a listen. If you’re a blossoming Dead Head, check out the DEADSHOWZ app where you can listen to live shows organized by date/venue dating back to the 60s (I think? don’t quote me).

A Throwback to Rom Coms of the 2010s (an ongoing compilation)

Scallops Boy and I talk often about the Venn Diagram of “romantic comedies” and “genuinely good movies” and what films share the center. I believe “Stuck in Love” is one of them (Greg Kinnear? Jennifer Connelly? Logan Lerman? C’mon). He believes the similarly named and strangely similarly plotted 2011 “Crazy, Stupid Love” also belongs in the middle. (Another powerhouse cast with Steve Carell, Julianne Moore, Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone). Interestingly, both of these films open with adolescent-aged children trying to come to terms with their parents’ separation and attempts at reconciliation. It doesn’t require an advanced degree in psychology to understand why I still cling to these films, however, if we are playing “What Mid-2010s Ryan Gosling Movie Describes Your Parents’ Divorce” mine felt like Blue Valentine lol.

“Stuck in Love”’s perhaps most lasting impact on me was an introduction to Stephen King and Elliott Smith. Maybe it was because the teenagers in that movie are so dedicated to storytelling and love the craft so much, or maybe it was because their parents’ divorce makes them hesitant to let others all the way in, but I saw myself in them and became curious about they art loved. And in my quest, those artists began to matter to me too. The film is one of nostalgia — of memories I can revisit but never relive: reading Beverley Cleary, catching a glimpse of my crush at my locker during passing period, setting the kitchen table for both of my parents. But it is also one that looks me forward toward familial reconciliation and romantic love. It’s a sweet movie, and does what I hope any piece of art does, makes you feel something and gives you a sense of the art that inspired it; a sentimental works cited easily digestible for any audience.

Crazy Stupid Love is much funnier, and despite failing to introduce me to previously unexamined artists, earns its place in the Venn Diagram’s middle all the same. The writing is excellent, the comedic timing impeccable, and the pacing is spot on. I know I sound old but they really just don’t make movies like this anymore. Name a rom-com that has been this good since. I will wait.

🎬 Shogun (FX on Hulu) ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Okay if you haven’t seen Shogun, please watch it. It was timely in May, but if you’re only now discovering it, you can binge the whole thing! It takes place near the end of the Sengoku period in Japan and follows the story of an English sailor shipwrecked on its shores and at odds with the Portuguese clergy just as much (if not more) than the Japanese military. Arriving at a time where the regency seems to be breaking down and lords are vying for power, John must learn how to leverage his skills to stay alive.

I loved the writing and the characters in this series and appreciated the ways producers and actors attested to its diversion from James Clavell’s source material. If you are a nerd like me and enjoy interviews with historians and costume designers etc., check out the Shogun podcast hosted by one of its writers as you watch.

🎬 Aaron Chen (Stand Up Comedy) ⭐️⭐️⭐️

This video is over a year old, but I just found Aaron Chen a few months ago and really like his style of comedy. He also understands how overwhelming internet security can be.

📰Bill Walton, Let His Joy Flourish (Defector Media) ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Yet another recommendation that would have been relevant had this newsletter come out in May (as was anticipated), but in case you missed it: Bill Walton, the tallest Grateful Dead fan who also happened to sometimes play basketball, passed away in May only a few days before I saw The Dead perform at The Sphere. Jamming on guitars with psychedelic, tie-dyed “32” stickers, the band honored their brother the night prior with their last song, Fire on the Mountain, which was Walton’s favorite.

📰Bill Walton’s Long, Special Relationship With the Grateful Dead (NYTimes) ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

If you are moved by how much other people are moved by their favorite bands, I also highly recommend this New York Times tribute to Bill Walton and The Grateful Dead by Marc Tracy.

📰 If You Love Podcasts, Dump Spotify (Defector Media) ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I’ve already sung Alex Sujong Laughlin’s praises — but here is the article in full. It’s amazing.

📚The Wedding People by Alison Espach

I have no idea what this book is about, and I don’t love the cover art, however I was completely obsessed with Espach’s previous novel Notes On Your Sudden Disappearance that I was compelled to start this newsletter for the express purpose of recommending it nearly two years ago. (Don’t actually read the first newsletter. It’s terrible.) Anyways, word on the street (Deadline) is that The Wedding people will be adapted for the screen. Ooooh làlà.

📚Mrs. S by K. Patrick ⭐️⭐️

To everyone in my book club, I am sorry. Though I am the facilitator, I could not slog through this one. Maybe it was just my mood, but I could not for the life of me get through this one. Sometimes you love individual ingredients, but when it comes time to eat the soup, you can’t bring yourself to enjoy it. It sits in the back of the fridge mocking you because it’s healthy, people rave about it, and you should love that soup. But you just…don’t. That’s Mrs. S for me. Sigh.

📚On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft by Stephen King ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

My dad gave me a copy of On Writing when I was in high school. Wanting to support my writing and knowing I was a voracious reader, he came home with a bundle of modern classics writers: William Faulkner, Joyce Carol Oates, Stephen King etc. Almost fifteen years later, I finally sat down to read Stephen King’s memoir. My Uncle Rod is a huge King fan and told me stories of being scared shitless reading his stories on his graveyard shifts at the hospital. I became interested in King after watching the 2012 romantic comedy Stuck in Love and seeing how Rusty, the budding young writer, looked to the prolific writer as not only a source of inspiration, but a constant teacher. If you can overlook King’s weird flavors of misogyny, the memoir is funny, informative, and like all of his work — incredibly well written.

📚Kala by Colin Walsh ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I loved this book. I picked it up on vacation thinking I’d save it for the plane ride home, but found myself sneaking hits of it between museum trips and meals. “Will I need to bring my book?” was something I asked my friends often, and though I was usually met with “absolutely not,” I chose what bag to bring daily based on which one was big enough to fit Kala.

I loved the characters, the setting, the pacing, the POV switches and time jumps, the dialogue and the mystery at the novel’s center. I was enraged upon finishing it because I knew that whatever I read next won’t be as good. I recommended it to Lana and she read it in a day, so. Take from that what you will.

🧁 Quiche with Greens, Bacon, and Feta by David Leibovitz ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I substitute feta for bleu cheese because I loathe feta, and I used rainbow chard because it’s pretty. I love this quiche, and I love David Leibovitz’s recipes. He got his start here in the bay at Chez Panisse!

🧁Cae Sal (Molly Baz) ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Alicia and Camille made this for Dev’s birthday and ermergerd it’s so good. BBQ some juicy chicken thighs on the top of that and bam. You’ll have a meal you can’t stop dreaming about. Also, you can drink this caesar dressing. It’s that good.

🧁 Tarte au Citron by David Leibovitz ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I swear by this tarte and so does my sister, for whom I often made it when I came home from college. It’s a super easy, HOT pastry dough that David tells a charming story about.

🧁 Strawberry Avocado Candied Walnut Salad by Carol ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

1 bag mixed greens / arugula
1/2 carton sliced strawberries
1 avocado
1 cup candied walnuts
Olive oil + Balsamic Vinegar (3:1 ratio)

🧁Chocolate Church Cake ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

3 layer chocolate ganache w/ fresh raspberries

I made this cake inspired by my friend Gem’s UK version for Scallops Boy’s birthday back in April. It very well may be the best chocolate cake I’ve ever eaten, and I can’t believe I made it with my hands. So few things I do feel really high quality, but this…I’d spend money on a slice of it. I’ve made it since, and it wasn’t just beginner’s luck. It’s replicable!

Gaza Sunbirds: (Adaptive Sports Team)

“We’re a paracycling team in the Gaza Strip. We’re using all our resources to support our community while sharing our stories with the world.”

You can read about the Gaza Sunbirds history and help them get to the Paralympics this year by clicking the button below.

Donate

Medical Aid for Palestinians: (emergency medical response)

medicalaidpal

A post shared by @medicalaidpal

As of July 2024, polio— a disease that terrorized the US in the 1950s before the creation of effective vaccine— is now spreading in Gaza. Traumatic memories of painful treatments and long hospitalizations are not experiences any child should have to endure, especially while hospitals in Gaza are facing relentless bombings and its people attempt to survive famine under Israeli occupation.

Donate

Understanding the Golan Heights

Making sense of the rocket exchanges between Lebanon and Israel this week required a deeper understanding of the Golan Heights — land which only Israel and the US define as part of Israel and the rest of the international community defines Syrian land under Israeli military occupation. I found the following article helpful in understanding the geography and history of the region and its residents — especially those of Majdal Shams who protested Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu’s visit and whose Druze faith undergirded their opposition to revenge or escalation of armed conflict with Lebanon.

Read here

Shout outs to:

Gem, Sina, Teddy, Abz, Annie, Anne, Lana, Molly, Sonya, Katie, Jaqie, Laura, and Carmen for a fabulous fanfic vacation
Lana — for designing a trip that allowed me to see literary England for my 30th birthday. I’ve dreamed of a trip like this since I was a kid and even though we didn’t grow up together….we were girls together!!! — Carting me to filming locations of my favorite films, taking me to scenes from my favorite books; showing me your London. It was never about the sites though, was it? No one can tell me we haven’t been friends across all of our lifetimes. Now hurry up and come to California.
Annie — my partner in ossicone crime — chatting all things Tudor era sweating sickness, giraffe combat, and Shakespearean accents brings me more joy than you could possible know
Travis — it meant the world to spend some quality hours together after so much time! I adore you and our friendship and the ease of our reunions — that we can sit and chat no matter the time or distance. Thank you for my flowers and for taking the time <3 Bring your tennis racket when you shimmy this way! I love you so
Gem — my nurse, my heart. Thank you for giving me fiber packets and stool softeners in my hours of need. Your hair is UNREAL IRL. Thank you for the hugs and snugs. There is never enough time…but because of your thoughtful gift, I will always have a book of memories.
Teddy and Sina — the most incredible birthday presents ever…Teddy I loved chatting all things cross cultural and political. Sina…there is no one I would have rather sung Hamilton in the halls of Hampton Court Palace with
Simba — thank you for keeping me warm at night
Stormy, Big Mike — thank you for giving me the soundtrack to an amazing trip and for inspiring me to improve my cardiovascular health such that I can do high knees for longer
Molly — UGH I’m enraged that I had peak anxiety when we shimmied around Oxford together but seeing you in the flesh was so special. Thank you for literally picking your flights according to my birthday…that’s wild and I’m so grateful. Can’t wait to see you again and meet Freddie(y?)
Abz — the most gorgeous flower grown to ever lay atop my head! You’re a star. I cannot believe the care and attention to detail you take with flowers. It’s amazing.
Anne — thank you so much for taking 42980 forms of public transit on the muggiest day just to see me on my bday. It meant the world chatting all things books and Pims!
Katie and Jaqie for indulging me in a crossword puzzle after the most tiring day — y’all are real ones
Sonya for a gorgeous day in London traipsing around bookstores and eating Lebanese desserts <3
Caroline, the vegetable saleswoman we met in Devon who called me barking mad and told me I’d fit right into the seaside retirement community. I think of you often.
Zachary, for flying 5,354.42 miles to spend my birthday with me. Who does that? For somehow making a cake with found AirBnB equipment (a wooden spoon) so that I would have something to make a wish on. For making me American breakfast and getting me birthday pastries. For treating my friends like they are already yours. For showing me your favorite things (ducks) and making sure we made our planes, trains, and busses on time. For spoiling me rotten at a gorgeous birthday dinner and a fun cocktail bar experience you knew I’d love. For rolling with my less-than-planned-out itineraries (vibes) and trusting that we’d make it work. I love walking around this life with you. <3
Brigid, Kara, SB and Pareesa — thank you so much for your resume help in the past few months.
Em for checking in on my job-hunt and wanting to hear all about my updates <3
Leo & Arina — our group chat brings me so much joy thank GOD movie nights are back on. Leo, my birthday twin, you just GET it. I love being your friend. Arina — you are navigating your early twenties in a way that leaves my jaw on the floor. I’m sorry this part of life is so heinous, but you really are doing it so much better and smarter than anyone I know.
Annemarie for getting me semi-excited about …weight lifting? I’m not sure I’ll ever be fully excited but your arms really inspire me so, maybe that’s enough.
Devon — for bringing the summer vibes to every situation. Seeing you so happy on your birthday was such a highlight of my year.
Alicia and Camille — I still have dreams about that chicken caesar salad.
Pareesa — thank you for packing me and sending me on my way. I’ve been thinking of you much more than I’ve said and I’m sorry it’s been so long #separationanxiety
Kara— my fellow cancerian! I thought of you every moment of the WWI exhibit. I can’t wait to nerd out together soon.
My dad for helping make my trip to the UK possible — I will be forever grateful. Thank you for asking so many questions about my trip while I was gone and getting so excited about the friendships I’ve made and sustained across the pond. You recently reminded me that making new friends and traveling to new places requires some courage and willingness to be vulnerable, and I hadn’t really thought of it that way before. Thank you for supporting me <3
My mom for cultivating an interest and love of history in me since I was a child. The books you read and the shows we watched together growing up stoked such curiosity in me, and I thought of you during my whole trip, the setting of so many of our favorite films and books. I can’t wait to do a similar one with you soon. Wishing you luck next weekend!
To my siblings for putting so much effort into planning a great father’s day at the beach
Hilary and Lea — it’s been FOREVER since I’ve seen you but Lea, the positive affirmations collage you made for me helped pump me up for my interview today! Thank you so much. I can’t wait to walk the dogs and eat Thai food all together tomorrow and hear all the gossip and all the book and podcast recommendations. <3
Uncle Rod — for being a Stephen King nerd and encouraging me to read him and for ever so casually being a gold-medal winning Paralympian. You are the coolest.
Carol — for such great quality time and a sweet birthday dinner. I miss you so much <3
Tessa — for your sweet voice notes. I’m sending you positive energy and hope you get more time in the water this year
Lauren — thinking of you always and how good you are at letting people know when you are thinking of them
Masha & Kara who celebrated another year around the sun
Meg — for all our long rambles. ILY
For everyone I have failed to mention — I love you too!

Personal Highlight Reel No One Asked For:

This newsletter doesn’t have very much current content, but that’s what the next newsletter is for! For those curious, a personal highlight reel is as follows:

Flew to my bff across the pond and got to ring in 30 with the fanfiction nerd-pack I love so much!
Saw Hozier for the 3rd time my heart leapt from me
Floated on the Russian River and have the tan lines to prove it
Enrolled in a Masters of Library and Information Science program #backtoschool
Had an interview for my first school library gig! Fingers crossed (Update: got the job!)
Celebrated Devon’s solar return with delicious food and great company
Snagged a front desk spot at the dance studio I love so much — come dance with me!
Cracked my own medical mystery! (More details to follow but so far…no more nausea, headaches, and fatigue that have plagued me for 2 years…bless!)
UK highlights / American Girl’s Guide To London coming in the next newsletter

Ending Note:

My solidarity is with all of those resisting colonial projects globally and my heart is with every family losing its relatives and neighbors to senseless violence as a result of occupation. I am horror stricken at the 165 Palestinian journalists who, while attempting to shed light on the ongoing atrocities in Gaza, have been murdered by the US-backed, Israeli military since October. It is because of journalists’ documentation that the world knows what daily life in a violent, apartheid state consists of, and it is because of a long history of writers, artists, and historians that we can envision what a land free from occupation can look like.

To all of my friends in the diaspora with family and loved ones in the region, who are fielding texts messages from Beirut or seeing footage from Khan Yunis while trying to fill out their spreadsheets and mark their calendars and respond to slack channels for work or make dinner or be normal at a time like this — I see you. And I love you. And I’m sorry that nothing seems like enough right now.

To everyone else,

Turn to your poets. Lean on one another. Be safe and love hard. <3

XO,

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